Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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