she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
