My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Randomize
