So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
fuck your aforementioned shoe
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
