You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I need a burrito and a hug.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
