you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
