Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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