Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
