Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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