Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
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