Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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