Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
