Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
