final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
