ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
foreskin is a definite game changer
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
