Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
