And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
