i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Randomize
