A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
