im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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