fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Randomize
