i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
