ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
