Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
