the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
