I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
