he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
