I met the friendliest cop last night
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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