Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
