apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Randomize
