So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Randomize
