Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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