I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Randomize
