I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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