my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
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