There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Randomize
