I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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