i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
