the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
we're so committed to being not committed
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
