So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
