The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
