I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
