So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
she looked like the before picture.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
