if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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