We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
