My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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