Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
