The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
