I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
did i just pee glitter
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
