3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Randomize
