I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
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