i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
